May 9, 2010.

I have begun reading the Upper Room devotional every day. A couple friends of mine and Chris are trying to read it each day along with the scripture verse, then we are emailing our thoughts on it to each other. We all don't always have time to do the emailing, but I have been making sure I do read it. Today's devotion kind of brought back some memories from the past.

In 2002 Chris was in a serious boating accident. He had been working part-time on one of the sight-seeing boats in downtown Chicago on the weekends. He had decided to quit so he could be home on the weekends, and that particular Saturday was his last day. An accident happened while the boat was docking. I don't really understand how you dock these big boats, but a line that was attached the the boat had been put around a cleat on the dock. Apparently either it was the wrong apparatus to tie the boat to, or the cleat was not anchored in the concrete right..but, under the tension of the boat the cleat pulled out of the dock and sling-shotted into Chris' head. Hit him square in the center, crushing his forehead and slightly fracturing the rear bone that lies against his brain. The rope attached to this cleat hit his right eye, damaging it beyond repair. To this day he is blind in that eye.

I did not get a phone call about this until later in the afternoon. Why the delay is a long story and I won't go into that here. My main point in writing about all this is that at the time, while we were attending church regularly, I was not very close to the Lord. The Upper Room devotion today was about a family who dealt with a son who had been very ill and the comfort they found with God. I wish now that at that time I had been close to the Lord. That time in dealing with the accident and the subsequent surgery was one of the most difficult times of my life. I had never felt so helpless, so uncertain of the future. Our minister at that time and my family and church friends were there, but there was still an emptiness inside of me.

Two years later, Chris had to have the surgery repeated. Complications from the first surgery needed to be fixed. At the time, we had moved here to Rensselaer and had yet to find a new church. So I had no church friends or minister to offer me help during that surgery. I did still have family and friends who lived in Chicago...but, there was that emptiness.

I recall the second surgery was delayed in starting. By the time he was in recovery it was very late. His mom had gone on home, I was left at the hospital alone. It was almost 11PM at night, I was the only one in this huge waiting room. In a big city. It was scary and I was alone. After he was put into his room, I then left to stay at a hotel room I had for the night which was across the street. I remember just feeling empty and alone. I did not sleep at all that night. I did not pray, I did not read the Bible, I did not talk to God. I just laid there all night, wide awake tired and worried.

I wish I could turn back the clock and experience all that with Christ by my side as he is now. I realize, he had really been there through all that with me...but, I did not let him comfort me then.

Wow, this is hard post to type this morning.....I think I'll stop for now.