September 28, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed. Like a person with a depression issue. And it's not just because we lost Rudy. Little things upset me...sometimes even sending me into tears. Something which is probably small and insignificant upset me this evening and has gotten me into a funk. Borderline tears and I really shouldn't be crying over this. Especially when I am not even sure about what I'm upset about. I know this doesn't make much sense.

It has been a really bad year for us. I'm not even going to go into everything that has happened. There are others who have had worse events in their life. Plus, I've gained a lot of weight which really gets me down.

I think I'm having a "feel sorry for myself" kind of night. Sometimes a good cry is what one needs in these times. Praying also helps, though I'm still have some difficulty in that department. I am getting better at it. My relationship with the Lord is an ever growing and changing thing and he has helped me weather the storms that this year has brought on.

Maybe my problem is hormonal. Who knows.

September 28, 2010

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12

Saw this on Facebook and liked it.

September 25, 2010.

Well, as you can see I am still neglecting my blog. No reason, just have not taken the time. I'm working through my grief over losing Rudy-dog. I'm doing a whole lot better then I was earlier this week. It's weird, it seems like we lost him months ago and it's only been two weeks. Instead of always being sad, I am now just reminiscing on all the fun things he did, funny habits he had. He was a fun dog.

Our other lab Charlotte is getting along much better. She was so lost the first few days, but has gotten much better this week. She is really a different dog when she is the "only" dog. Rudy was very hyper and that triggered some hyperness in her. Since Rudy has been gone, she is a lot calmer. I think she will adjust to being the only dog without any hitches. She's even proving to be a good girl when we are not at home.

My favorite season is here, Autumn. I love the crisp air and the changing leaves. Chris and I were married the end of October for that exact reason. Speaking of marriage...next month we will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary! We are hoping to maybe get away for at least one night. With his new job, that will be about all we can do. We have always enjoyed going to Nashville, Indiana, in the fall. If we can afford it, we are going to go there for a one night stay. The place we always stay at allows dogs. Only hitch is, on weekend they require a two night stay. They told us if we call the Thursday before the weekend we want to come down they will let us stay one night if they are not booked up. So, we'll see. If we can't stay overnight...we may just go down for the day and come home.

Next weekend I am going on a ladies retreat with my best friend from high school. Diane and I have not been in constant contact since high school. It's really only been since the growth of Facebook that we have reconnected. She has invited me to go with her on a retreat sponsored by her church. She lives down by Indy. Next Friday Chris is driving me down to her home, then on Saturday she and I leave for the retreat. It's down near Nashville, Indiana, but I'm not exactly sure where. I guess there is a Christian book author who will be the featured speaker that weekend. Should be fun and I look forwarding to spending time with Diane.

September 20, 2010. Verse for today.

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them." Joshua 1:6

September 16, 2010.

I've been neglecting my blog this past week. Everything that happened last week...well, I just haven't had the desire to write. But, as time passes the hurt from last week is not quite as bad as it was. Tomorrow my sister-in-law and mother-in-law are driving down with Rudy's ashes. I have decided to place his urn on the piano in the front room. That room was always one of his favorite places. He would sit on the sofa in there and watch out the window. When we were gone, that was his spot. Either sleeping or watching out the window.

I now know what it's like to go through the stages of mourning I hear about. I'm entering into the "why" stage. All day I keep asking, why...why was he taken from us so soon. I know there are a lot of people who just wouldn't understand why Rudy's death has impacted me so much. I truly did not think it would impact me as much as it has. But, then....I have never known a dog quite like Rudy. So far today, we have received eight sympathy cards in the mail.

I'm going to try and get back into my regular posting here including my verse of the day. I'm still involved in Disciple I class at church and have kept up that reading. Taking my verse of the day from my Disciple class was a way to keep myself current in it.

September 11, 2010.

We let Rudy go Thursday morning. I have to say, it has absolutely been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. We went and picked him up at Purdue University Thursday morning and took him to our own vet to be put down. What made it so difficult, when we first saw him at Purdue he was so happy to see us. Wagging his tail, dancing, acting goofy. Through all this ordeal...up until the last couple of weeks Rudy has never acted like a dog sick with cancer. The hardest night for me was Wednesday, knowing what we were going to do the next day and also knowing he was sleeping in a strange place, with strange people...probably wondering where we were. I did not sleep at all that night...I almost made Chris drive me down there so I could see him that evening.

I'm not crying as much as I did Wednesday and Thursday, but I still am finding myself breaking into tears at odd moments. I've been giving our other lab, Charlotte, a lot of extra attention...partly to help her because she is lost, but also I am finding it therapeutic for me.

I just wish I could sleep better. I never, ever in my life imagined losing a pet would be this difficult. But, then, I have never known a dog like Rudy....and I don't think I ever will. He was special and he touched many people in his short life. My mother-in-law has been grieving almost as much as we have. She loved Rudy. My sister-in-law as well and my mom have been crying.

I know it will get easier with time.

September 8, 2010.

My heart is sad tonight. Our dog, Rudy, who has been the kid we never had...has a tumor in his sinus that has already begun to spread to his brain and eye. We are going to see him tomorrow and help him cross over the rainbow bridge so he won't be hurting anymore. I don't think I've ever experienced sadness like I am right now. I know he is just a dog....but, he is something special to us as well. He's only 7 years old.

September 6, 2010. Verse for today.

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Exodus 20:8

September 5, 2010. Verse for today.

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God and I will exalt him. Exodus 15:2

September 4, 2010.

This coming Tuesday we will be taking our dog Rudy to Purdue University to see the vet's at their teaching hospital. We have been battling a problem in his right sinus all summer long. Our vet cannot figure out what is wrong. He has had X-Rays done, been on antibiotics for most of the summer, had cultures done. The X-rays do not show anything definite. There is no definite sign of a tumor...just a cloudy area. Cultures only show some kind of bacterial infection. It is not getting better.

Our vet has sent us to Purdue so they can use an endoscope to look up his nose. This is considerably less invasive then surgery, but a tad more expensive. We had to seek the help of family for this. Borrowing a bit of money from Chris mom and dad.

There is every possibility that Rudy will not be coming home with us. If they find that he does indeed of nasal cancer, the prognosis for this in dogs is very poor. Treatments are expensive and not pleasant for the animal. Chris has already begun his new job, so if decisions have to be made for Rudy...I may need to do them alone or with Chris on the phone. He works 4PM to close..and the afternoon is when Rudy would need to be picked up.

I am not a brave driver so I asked our minister if he can drive me back down there on Tuesday if Rudy gets to come home. Or if I need to go back after all the tests are done....and I need to make a decision.

This whole thing could be something as simple as a foreign object up his nose. (grass, twig) Or, it could be nasal cancer. I called my mom this evening to let her know what was going on. We talked for a bit and I wound up crying and she then was crying. She has Rudy's brother and we have all become very attached to these big, goofy dogs.

September 3, 2010. Verse for today.

"You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless of misuses of his name." Exodus 20:7


This is a commandment that many people find hard to follow. I know my dad was one who totally did not follow it!

September 1, 2010. Verse for today.

Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13